In a nonviolent way, meaning how?
The famous Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model teaches how to formulate statements in such a way as to effectively express one's thoughts and intentions based on a few principles. The author of this method, Marshall Rosenberg, emphasized the avoidance of violence in speech. However, it is not about insults or harsh criticism, which of course cannot take place in a polite conversation, but about more subtle aspects of communication that may offend the other party. These include:
- Statements referring not to a specific situation, but to the entire past of our relationship with another person, such as: "You always do this to annoy me!" or "You're not there when I need you". Using the quantifiers "always" or "never" in statements can cause a sense of powerlessness in the person we are addressing and lower their self-esteem.
- Relying on stereotypes. It often happens that we unknowingly hurt our interlocutor with our statements. An example would be the statement "You're so tall, you're probably doing great in basketball". Such a comment suggests that we perceive a given person through the prism of conventional thinking, not taking into account their individual characteristics or interests.
- Judgment in communication. Statements such as "You are lazy and therefore did not pass this test" can be harmful to the recipient because they contain an assessment of the person's identity. Therefore, it is worth remembering to refer to the specific behavior of our interlocutor and not to judge them as a human being.
- Avoiding taking responsibility for our own feelings. In this way, we can unconsciously make the interlocutor feel guilty and harmed. So instead of saying "You make me angry when you make so much noise", it's better to say "I feel angry when you listen to music so loud".
How is a jackal different from a giraffe?
The creator of NVC called the way of speaking based on judgments, criticism or making diagnoses the language of the jackal. According to Rosenberg, the jackal begins its utterances with the message "You", e.g. "You can't do it properly", "You're thoughtless". Such language has its consequences and most often leads to conflicts.
On the other side, there is the so-called giraffe language, based on empathy and conscious expression of feelings and needs. The giraffe begins its statements with the word "I", e.g. "I feel sad when I see that you don't bring things back to their place", "I'm angry with how you treat our dog". The intention of this language is to try to understand and get along with each other, not to seek conflict. The recipient – hearing the giraffe's statements – does not feel attacked and does not feel like arguing, but instead, subjects their behavior to reflection, which is only a step away from improving the quality of the relationship in the future.
Nonviolent Communication – user manual
Marshall Rosenberg believed that behind every message, even the most difficult and violent, there are unmet needs of the person who utters the message. When a husband says to his wife, "You can never be counted on," he really means that he wants to feel that he has his partner's support. The problem, however, is that the wife – hearing such a statement – will feel criticized and attacked. Instead of hearing an unmet need in her husband's words, her natural reaction will be to defend herself, which often leads to a counterattack. This is how misunderstandings and quarrels arise.
Usually, when we are overwhelmed by difficult emotions such as anger, it is difficult to maintain sufficient awareness to understand what unmet need this emotion signals. This makes us accuse the other person with insinuations, minor malice or raise our voice at them, not actually understanding what we really expect from them. The NVC method includes specific guidelines that help us better understand our intentions, and then convey them to the interlocutor in a balanced way and in accordance with the essence of the problem.
A statement in the Nonviolent Communication style should consist of the following elements:
- Observation. The first step in the conversation should be to refer to a specific fact that makes us feel the need to say something to the other person. These can be sentences such as e.g. "I noticed you were 30 minutes late." "I see you pushed your brother." It is important to remember that observation is not the same as evaluation – it is not our interpretation of a given situation, but only refers to facts.
- Feelings. The next step is to notice that we have probably felt some emotion in relation to the other person's actions. This emotion should be revealed by saying, for example: "I was annoyed by your lateness", "When you talk to me like that, I feel ashamed".
- Need. The next step requires you to discover and verbalize your need that has been violated as a result of the other person's behavior, e.g. "I need to feel that you take our joint project seriously", "It is important to me that we respect each other in the family".
- Request. The last step is to formulate the request, and at the same time indicate how we would like the other party to behave next time in a similar situation, e.g. "Please, don't be late anymore."
Self-observation as a key element of NVC
In order to communicate effectively in the spirit of Nonviolent Communication, we need to show a great deal of self-observation. We need to understand what we really feel and what we need, and this requires deep reflection and self-analysis. It turns out that NVC not only supports our relationships, but also develops our attention to our own emotional states and values that are important to us. Although this way of communicating may be demanding at first, as a result it helps us notice and better express our own emotions. As we explore the principles of NVC, we become more and more adept at the interaction between our inner world and our environment. This, in turn, increases our mental resilience, which is extremely important nowadays.
An important effect of practising the principles of Nonviolent Communication is also connecting with our own resources of empathy – this allows us to experience relationships with others more deeply and expand emotional intelligence. Therefore, it is worth training this way of communication – not only our loved ones will benefit from it, but also ourselves.
References:
[1] Rosenberg M. B., Porozumienie bez przemocy, Wydawnictwo Czarna Owca, Warszawa, 2017.
[2] Rosenberg M. B., W świecie porozumienia bez przemocy, Wydawnictwo Mind, 2022.