Attachment theory proposed by Bowlby and Ainsworth
Attachment theory was developed by British physician and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, born in 1907. His observations and research – later expanded by Mary Ainsworth – revealed that the treatment we receive from our early caregivers (usually parents) profoundly influences how we perceive and function in relationships with other people throughout our lives.
Bowlby, who was born into the British upper class, saw his mother for only an hour a day during his early childhood, as was customary at the time. However, he had a very friendly and affectionate bond with his nanny. These experiences undoubtedly shaped his understanding of interpersonal relationships. Through their research and observations, Bowlby and Ainsworth demonstrated that the way a child bonds with their primary caregiver can be mirrored repeatedly in their adult relationships. It is as though the initial interactions with the mother or father establish a lasting blueprint for future relationships.
According to Bowlby, the pattern develops in children between the ages of 6 and 30 months and unfolds in the following manner:
- From birth to around two months of age, babies respond to various people in their surroundings. However, within days of being born, they show a preference for looking at the face of their mother or primary caregiver compared to unfamiliar faces.
- Between the ages of two and seven months, babies begin to clearly favor their caregivers over strangers. This is evident in the child’s strong focus on their parents – particularly the mother or the primary caregiver.
- From 8 to 24 months, children start to identify unfamiliar or unknown things and often respond negatively to them. They often cry when separated from their mother and show caution or anxiety around strangers. Being close to their primary caregiver helps the child feel safe and secure, reducing negative emotions.
From the moment they are born, infants are instinctively driven to observe and seek connection with their mother – or in her absence – their main caregiver. Through these interactions, the child internalizes numerous messages and rules shaping their relationship with their mother. This results in a loving and intimate bond, or – depending on the mother’s behavior and attitude – evolves into a more complex and potentially challenging dynamic. Here are the types of relationship styles that can develop through this process:
- Secure attachment style. A secure attachment style develops in a child when the caregiver consistently meets their needs, provides attention and support, and offers a loving and nurturing presence in most situations. This style of attachment develops in approximately 65% of children. In a secure relationship, the child trusts their mother, feels safe with her, and believes that she will meet their needs and come to their aid. Attachment provides a secure base for the child, allowing them to confidently explore the world, knowing they have the caregiver’s support. A secure attachment style is considered optimal for fostering healthy psychological development.
- Anxious-avoidant attachment style. This type of attachment develops when a child experiences feelings of rejection in their relationship with the caregiver. This occurs when the caregiver is physically or emotionally distant, neglectful of the child’s needs, offers minimal attention, and reprimands the child for expressing difficult emotions. The caregiver responds inappropriately to the child’s needs (such as by shouting) or demands independence too early, disregarding the child’s natural developmental stages. In such relationships, the child frequently experiences tension and fear. There is no sense of security, and the child learns that it may sometimes be better to avoid the caregiver.
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment style. This attachment style can develop from inadequate care or inconsistent responses from the caregiver. Caregivers often prioritize their own feelings over the child’s problems, blaming them for the situation they have to face (‘How could you spill the water?!’, ‘You’re annoying me!’, ‘Stop crying, it’s not a big deal’). Parents tend to be overly anxious, and their responses to situations involving their child can be unpredictable. For example, they might react with anger to a spilled drink one day and find it amusing the next. As a result, children develop an uncertain expectation of how their caregiver will react in the future.
- Anxious-disorganized attachment style. This represents the most disrupted form of attachment style. It arises when a child is subjected to violence by caregivers. In this type of relationship, it is common for the caregiver to behave in ways that are incomprehensible, frightening, or withdrawn towards the child.
Attachment styles and adult relationships
Our early interactions with our parents shape our perception of the world, its prevailing rules, and the role of others in our lives. During early childhood, the family is our most influential model, shaping our perceptions and behaviors, which we often uncritically adopt and carry into our adult relationships. Despite the challenges and suffering caused by our parents’ behavior, our strongest instinct is to imitate it. Furthermore, we anticipate others to treat us in a manner consistent with our early experiences.
Consequently, our childhood attachment styles significantly influence the dynamics of our adult relationships. They can cause us to form interpersonal relationships based on childhood rules, even if those rules are unsupportive and lead to suffering. The way people function in their adult interpersonal relationships is often a reflection of the attachment style they have formed:
- Secure attachment style:
- high self-esteem and stable sense of self-worth,
- emotional stability,
- improved ability to manage difficult emotions within relationships,
- positive self-image and favorable view of others,
- reduced neuroticism (lower risk of depression and negative mood states),
- stronger trust in loved ones, no need for excessive control,
- higher resilience,
- belief in the inherent goodness and positive intentions of others.
- Anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and anxious-disorganized attachment styles:
- greater inclination towards neuroticism (susceptibility to depression and tendency to experience difficult emotions),
- more negative than positive emotions in interactions with others,
- low degree of trust in loved ones,
- persistent doubts about the stability of the relationship (suspicions of dishonesty and betrayal, need for the loved person to constantly prove that the relationship is important to them),
- difficulties with intimacy due to the fear of getting hurt,
- need to control a loved person,
- being overly submissive or overly dominant in relationships,
- belief that people are inherently bad and the world is a dangerous place,
- potentially decreased mental resilience,
- belief of not deserving love, feeling inadequate or different (‘something is wrong with me’).
I have an anxious attachment style. What should I do?
People who have faced numerous challenges in interpersonal or romantic relationships often seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist. Therapy often reveals that instead of merely encountering hurtful people, they might in fact actively seek out specific types of relationships that perpetuate their negative experiences. This could be due to the drive to replicate childhood patterns in relationships with others. What can be done to break the cycle? Can one’s attachment style be changed?
For a long time, psychologists believed that early attachment styles were fixed and unchangeable. However, despite the challenges, it is possible to transform them. What is needed is a profound insight and a thorough comprehension of past experiences. To achieve this, it is recommended to seek the help of a professional in a therapeutic setting. While it may be a challenging journey, embarking on this path can lead to a more fulfilling life by unlocking the potential that healthy and meaningful relationships offer. Many studies suggest that having supportive and constructive people in our lives is a fundamental pillar of wellbeing.
References:
[1] Matysiak-Błaszczyk A., Jankowiak B., Znaczenie relacji przywiązania w cyklu życia człowieka. Analiza wybranych aspektów bliskich relacji, Studia Edukacyjne nr 44, 2017, Uniwersytet im. Adama Mickiewicza w Poznaniu, Poznań 2017, pp. 195-208, Adam Mickiewicz University Press, ISSN 1233-6688, doi: 10.14746/se.2017.44.12.
[2] Firestone L., How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship, 2013, Attachment.Style_.Article.docx (live.com).
[3] Sagone E., Commodari E., Indiana M. L., La Rosa V. L., Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults, A Cross-Sectional Study, Eur. J. Investig, Health Psychol. Educ. 2023, 13(3), 525-539; https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040.