Searching for boundaries
In order to have an opinion of your own, you must first do some research. The dictionary of the Polish language defines the word “boundary” as a “dividing line”, “a measure of something allowed”, but also as “the end of a person’s physical and mental capabilities”. Definition, as such, also has its boundaries. After all, without it we would be nitpicking about each other’s words endlessly. However, defining “personal boundaries” is a task for each of us. “The right to express our thoughts, however, means something only if we are able to have thoughts of our own,” emphasised Erich Fromm in his “Escape from Freedom”.
We get closer, farther apart, and integrate
Antoni Kępiński wrote that it is human nature to need to “ripple and pulse”, that is, to move closer and further away, in order to digest what happened when we were close. One can, of course, deny, rationalise and repress, but the suppressed need will reveal itself in frustration – there will be anger and the typical cry: “Leave me alone!”. While boundaries are not directly about emotions, anger is directly about boundaries.
Relationship on the line
To draw the line at the right place, we need to explore our psyche, i.e. thoughts, feelings, decisions, actions, needs, rights, memories and secrets, not just physicality or material resources. In a professional context, boundaries help avoid overload, protect against burnout and allow for balance. Jesper Juul said that “a person can only wholeheartedly agree to something if they feel they have the possibility to disagree” – and this is the simplest explanation of why we need boundaries. We won’t get along with another person if we don’t take care of our own space.
Without boundaries, we won’t get far
Being nice to a dangerous degree is based on suppressing one’s own needs. This is the story of Solomon, who “pours from an empty cup”, sacrificing his own needs. We do everything (and more) to avoid conflict, disappointment and rejection, and receive attention, approval or love in return. Self-love deficit disorder (so-called people pleaser) is a set of traits most often found in people with dependent or codependent personalities, although such behaviours can also stem from a fear of not feeling “good enough”. The people pleasers send a special invitation to take responsibility, are reluctant to set boundaries, and make demands on others.
Set a boundary instead of going for a drink
It is becoming increasingly difficult for us to look at emotions with a clear head. Studies show that interpersonal problems and loss of social network are related to alcohol abuse. Experts emphasise the function of alcohol as a way to cope with stress, relationship problems, and even a way to spend time alone.
The word “alcohol” comes from the Arabic word “al-ghoul”, meaning an evil spirit that can whisper to us simple solutions to serious problems. Refusing a social situation where we have a chance to get something off our chest for a moment, drown it in a coloured glass and immerse ourselves in blissful tranquillity dipped in remorse (or in the next day’s cortisol) requires us to set a boundary... or possibly treat ourselves to a cup of coffee. Instead, we can offer a walk together, a conversation over kombucha, or possibly a change of topic or company. It is important not to change your attitude under pressure, not to explain yourself, look for excuses, or answer the rhetorical question: “You won’t have a drink with me!?”
An egoist without limits
Distinguishing between setting healthy boundaries and selfishness requires reflection on motivation and behaviour in the context of relationships. We should protect our own integrity, respecting the rights and needs of others and communicating in a clear, honest and assertive manner. When taking an egoistic approach to relationships, we care only about our business, often using manipulation and even aggression, without any reciprocity and flexibility on the subject, and we undermine the foundation of the relationship, instead of building it.
When you’re absent, you’ll always be beyond boundaries
By setting boundaries, we mark out a safe space for building and exploring a relationship in which we can deepen our understanding of ourselves, our needs, values and behaviours. In building relationships, the strongest source of fascination is dissimilarity, which cannot be achieved without autonomy and setting one’s own boundaries. Relational success is not about seeking sameness, but seeing oneself fully, despite differences. No relationship (with oneself or with another person) will succeed when we are absent from it, when we are beyond boundaries.
References:
1. Berne E., “Games People Play: the Psychology of Human Relations”, Wydawnictwo Naukowe PWN, Warsaw 2013.
2. Niedźwiecka M., O zmierzchu. Jak przestać się bać życia i przeżyć je po swojemu”, Wydawnictwo W.A.B., 2023.
3. Study: Emotional processing and social cognition in alcohol use disorder: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31448948/
4. Study: Second Edition of the “Alcohol in Poland” Report: https://ptzp.org/pl/2-edycja-raportu-alkohol-w-polsce